I haven’t written in a couple of weeks. I don’t feel stylish, poetic, or eco-friendly. Especially eco-friendly.
I have this problem. I have no personality. Okay that’s extreme, but seriously. My interests and hobbies change all the time and when they change, I 100% believe it’s the “real me”. There has been cookie decorating, interior design, plants, fashion, painting, natural/homeopathic, camping, and probably a million more. I thought that zero-waste and eco-consciousness were my “thing”, again. Another thing in the cycle. But here’s the thing, I put it as a section in my blog and I have written a couple posts about it so now I feel guilty about not really being passionate about eco stuff (if you want to know more about how guilt runs my life, check this blog post out).
So here I am, at the end of another hobby, feeling guilty that it didn’t stick and that I thought it was real. But zero-waste and green living aren’t painting or cookie decorating; it actually matters. I KNOW that I care about it and it’s still important, but I don’t outwardly SHOW that it’s an integral part of my life and identity. I don’t know if I just throw myself into it even when it feels fake or forced because I know that it’s good, or just chill out and do the eco-friendly things that seem natural that I was already doing a lot of.
Or maybe I just drop all of this pressure I put on myself to be eco-conscious (like I won’t start littering because it’s still important to me) but I give myself time to try to figure out why nothing seems to stick, or why I keep trying to find my identity in a hobby or passion. Like I need a THING, because everyone has a THING, right?
Maybe that’s just what the media tells us, but look at your friendships.
I have a concert friend and an art friend and a photographer friend and a focused student friend and music friend. They all have their “thing”. Of course they are complex, multi-layered people who are more than just one characteristic or interest but those traits are such a large and dominant part of them, they would probably label themselves the same thing. But who am I? Am I the Jesus friend? The fashionable friend? The talkative friend? The bossy friend? I don’t know what role I’m filling. I don’t want to act a certain way because it’s expected of me or I need to prove myself. I want to be “myself”, whatever that is. I want to do what’s natural and easy. I want to be able to sense my “thing” in my gut.
Okay so maybe zero-waste and green living isn’t my “thing”, but it is still important to me. I check another hobby off my list, and maybe I have one step closer to finding my “thing”. Or maybe I will never find it. Maybe it is just an idea, or a way to classify and label people. I’m going to keep trucking and try to figure stuff out, as always. Wish me luck.
What do you think? Do you have a “thing”? Tell me in the comments.
Happy soul exploring,